Life Events from 2018 to 2026 May
Prologue
I always prefer to start a story from the end. That’s what I did when I first wrote my story of my lifelong struggle with Bipolar Disorder about a decade ago. But then the end was a happy one- victory over Bipolar Disorder
But this time the end is bitter – but if it’s bitter, it can’t be the real end of any story I write . So I take it as a mid journey accident. A halt.
Alright, let’s start. So, after victory over my Bipolar Disorder in 2016, I started a new life. Made a new life Roadmap and started a new journey full of happiness and accomplishments. My last report was in 2017 and I was treading my new life roadmap with triumph. But I haven’t written anything since then. How has been my journey since 2018? What station have I reached in 2026.
Alright, as tradition goes, let me start with the end of this chapter. In May 2026, I’m a homeless and penniless man living a solitary life in a foreign country named Vietnam. Yes, Comrade Ho Chi Minh’s country.
Shocking? Yes, definitely. Devastated? Ah, not at all. Sitting up to pen down this chapter itself is a sign of my resilience. When you start a long journey, accidents do occur sometimes on the way. The journey doesn’t stop. One simply needs to analyse the reasons of the accident, make necessary adjustments in the compass to avoid such accidents , repair the engines; and restart the journey. The journey of determined souls ends only when they reach the destination. And, I’m not only a determined soul, I have nerves of steel, too, to propel my determination.
Ok, so how did this accident happen? have the engines be repaired? When is the journey resuming?
To answer all this, let’s start from where I stopped. 2017
2018
I entered 2018 with same energy & zeal. Bipolar was completely in control. It felt as if I’m in a continuous , mild hypomanic phase with short periods of mild depression. Mid hypomanic phase does wonders for me . Productivity & creativity reach their optimum level. This combined with almost complete absence of manic phase’s destruction , 2018 was very productive.
This year my primary focus was on my children. I worked on my goal of re-establishing a family life. Emotional connection and family life have been the core of my life since childhood. Though my concept of family was Papa and me only. Anyway, one of the important goals of this year was to establish a “home” with my two children in a place of their choice and live till the rest of life. replica A of my childhood’s homeObviously my first choice was London. They’ve been living with their mum in Spain
2019
I continued to feel high and continue to accomplish things.
One very important event of this year is that somehow my son Alex agreed to come to India and live with me for some time. I became very happy. . I was going to meer my son after 10 years! but for some reasons his plan was cancelled at the last moment. of course it had very bad effect on me but I continued.
relationship with the children was far below my definition of a fathers relationship with his children. They didn’t show much interest in my dream of establishing a “home”
started working on a new but important milestone-my plan to leave India forever, cut all ties and go back to my own world. I set the target to be early 2020. The destination was Estonia. A shelter till my children finally find Dad’s idea of “home” reasonable and decide the place
As for funding of all these things, obviously it was to come from my share in our ancestral estate in India. I had already started preparation since late 2018. Sold a significant part of my share in the estate. It did create some resentment in the extended family, as is the tradition. I was bothered least.
2020
Morning of Feb 2020 saw a beaming me alighting a plane at the international airport port of Ho Chi Minh city (Saigon). I had taken a week’s stay over in Vietnam for preliminary preparations to establish an offshore development centre to replace the one in India. Though I could never understand myself why I was so keen to cut even professional ties with my country of birth.
Four days into my stayover, and something happened that would put me completely off the rail and cause a major relapse .One morning suddenly streets were swarmed by vehicles , that looked like governmental, blaring something that obviously I didn’t understand. Funnily I murmured, what, did the Americans suddenly decided to take revenge of 1975’s humiliation?. Nah it was something worse – covid 19. Not only I was unable to fly out, I was imprisoned inside a service apartment. Of course it was not only me . The entire population was imprisoned. Not only in Vietnam but all over the word. 1 billion were locked inside 4 walls . And, no one revolted
This was the beginning of of my deterioration
covid 19 lockdown were in 2 phases. There definitely was a time period when I had the opportunity to fly out. But Europe’s condition was horrible and i decided to continue living in Vietnam. World had changed . There was an air of uncertainty.
it was by the end of 2020 that I started noticing the change in bipolar cycles.
a very significant change in my hypomanic phase. it slowly became more intense – bordering to hyper maniA
But i was still stable to notice these changes
On professional front there was no movement.
2021
the bipolar stability that I had gained in 2016 started evaporating
but this time it was mania dominated. the longer period of mild hypomania slowly started turning into erratic mania
by mid 2021 i probably lost the ability to notice changes.
Launched series of startups.
seed self funded
non survived more than a year
2022
2022 was a larger version of 2021
number of startups increased
it went to a level where if i found some talent them , the next day i’d start actions to turn into entrepreneur. within 30 days, we’ll have London registered LTD with master crafted brand identity, shining website and a newly converted founder. Within 2 months it would become difficult to meet me because i’d be busy with next brilliant founder
Spending spree . Mainly on startup building
But was it just startup building? Capitalistic exploitation? Of course no. Ah socialist in me was extracting combing the pros of both systems and giving birth to Neo Capitalism!( Though I’m writing it here sarcastically, but I do believe in merger in the real life, too
To top up fund, remote sold unmovable fronm my share of ancestral estate. Thanks all grandgrand grand papa
ah how can i close the without taking names of a few of future Impact Unicorns hmm.. DisBorder Inc , Delaware ( of course a London Ltd would be a humiliation for this masterpiece. And there wasTellUntold LTD set to takeover Muroch
On Bipolar Disborder front, i was in a continual hypermania phase first the 1st half of the year. Well, hypermania for me not as erratic as generally it is. i somewhat tilt towards positive grandeur, and at least in my mind, highly creative & productive
There was a sudden mood shift sometime around June. Generally with me, one phase turns into the other very slowly.
2023
By now I was already in a deep depression phase. Massive one. The ones from the pre-2016 era. The ones I had already forgotten
And., it’s the depressive that one needs emotional support. Here I was all alone in a highrise building’s apartment in a coutry where people didn’t sliigtest idea of Mental Health.I withdrew myself completely
It was during this hermit period that I thought first tme what I never had. I don’t want go deep into it. Building was manage by famous British management company Savills, and they of course knew mental health. I got support from them.
This incident had very traumatic effect on my already mangled brain
Developed intense claustrophobia , acute fear of being alone
I always keep my work hours synced with London, which is night here in Vietnam. I work from home. So, now it was difficult to work too
So I started working in 24 hours coffee shops . They are generally meant for work & study purposes.
Surrounded by so many people in these cafes, gave immense calm, but momentarily only . my fear of being alone in my apartment continued. Meanwhile, depression which already was severe,started worsening. At one stage, I was 60 mg Lexapro every day.
By March I had completely lost mind. Some expats did try to help me but by that time I had already reached where I’m completely oblivious of surroundings and didn’t even understand what was happening.
My apartment lease was to be renewed from april. of course I didn’t do it. Not because of any financial problems. As i had none. Thanks to feudalism 🙂 Left all my belongings in the apartment . Ultimately the building management helped me and got my belongings packed and kept in the store. Obviously, i never went even to see the belongings
So now I was officially homeless, but the undelying cause was not any financial difficulties but newly developed Claustrophobia . And i was already so oblivious that neither the cause nor the effect bothered me. Though that time was not very far when I’d earn both titles – homeless & penniless.
By the end of August, my depression started subsidising. I felt the shift when I noticed that one of my shoes was completely torn. Took the shoes pictures , threw them and bought new ones. It was in this shoe shop that the sales girl told me i was smelling bad. Many may have told earlier too, but her comment was the first one that reached me. Not only that, I too felt that I was smelling. Good sign
Depressive phase was slowly dissolving into hypomanic phase and by the end of September I was almost fully aware of my condition & my surroundings.
I moved into a farmhouse resort which was in a nearby village. Instead of rooms, there were straw huts with small verandah facing a beautiful garden. Everything this was close to nature. No traffic. No noise.
The place immediately started having a very calming effect . The family who owned & managed the resort, lived on the farm too. The family was very kind . interacting with them gave me some semblance of huma no connection.
2024
The farmhouse environment & peace had a wonderful impact on my mental health. I started gaining my senses back. Past year’s vagabond life had deteriorated my physical health too. Farmhouse nutritious & organic food put me back to my shape.
By end of August 2024, I was fairly recovered and decided to move back to city – at least temporarily to test the water
It was this decision which finally put me on the streets.
BEGINNING OF FINANCIAL PROBLEMS: During my hypermanic phases of 2021-2022 I had spent huge amount of money. I’ve been seed funding all these Impact startups myself. I don’t remember the count but no less than 50!
None of these impact startups could create any impact and didn’t survive more than 1 year- not because of lack of fund , but because I had bitten off more than I could chew. And, was perhaps micromanaging.
whatever be the reason, its after effects that started appearing in 2024 blew me off the ground.
I suddenly realised that I had almost depleted all my fund
I didn’t have any significant source of income except my shares in our ancestral estate.
To top my funds, I again started the process to remote sell off high some value pieces of estate’s land
Perhaps that angered the other shareholders and they got sale stopped through court. Well, those details are not of any importance to me – what was important was its effect. I had lack of fund and the source was closed
Though devastating, it didn’t blew me off the ground completely . I still had enough shares left in the estate to survive. But that was false consolation- my days of financial troubles had started. A lot of other restrictions put by other estate share holders made my financial income dry up. By the end of 2024 I was really struggling with finance. But I still had a small leased apartment in suburbs where the rents are much less.
2025
A rapid cycling and deteriorating bipolar disorder; combined with acute financial struggle, didn’t even make me realise that a new year has started
There was no year-end review of the life roadmap that I had created in 2016. No yearly goal settings. Goals of arranging money to pay bills overtook the life goals and roadmap
Rapid cycling bipolar made things worse
Financial struggles kept on rising as revenue from my estate dried up
By mid of 2025, I was struggling to pay for my medications.
I was not able to afford a leased apartment – and had to leave the apartment in Sep and started renting cheap hotel rooms. Sometimes I didn’t have money to pay even the hotel rooms and had to spend nights at internet cafes.
By now a laptop, two small devices and 2 pairs of jeans were all that I had.
Surprisingly, I wasn’t too concerned of my conditions
Onset of each hypomanic phase kept me bringing back to my laptop and continuing working on my passions, no matter what the financial and general life conditions
One thing that I never had any problems with is my physical health. But now I had one major issue – Scrotal Hernia. Though it started in 2023, by now it had become very painful.
While passing through a street in an unfamiliar locality, I suddenly felt a killing pain and I wasn’t able to even stand. I sat down on the pavement and waited for pain to subside. But it kept increasing. It had happened earlier, too, and I knew the only solution was to lie down for 1-2 hours in a specific position. I was in a a district where only locals lived and almost no one spoke English. I did have some local currency in my wallet to pay for small hotel room – but the language was the barrier. I suddenly noticed a young man passing by who looked like a uni student. I waved him for help. He knew sone English and took me to local dingy hotel, just a few meters away. These types of hotels rent rooms by hours. The student helped me and I booked s tiny windowless for two hours. As soon as I lay in the bed, I fell into deep sleep and woke up after 8 hours . It was already morning . The owner luckily knew some English. Instead of charging by hour, he charged me on daily basis – which was much less than 8 hours rent. I was impressed by his fairness & helpful attitude. The hotel had a 24 hour cafe on the ground floor. I sat there for some time . I noticed that entire operation is being managed by a small family of 4 that included two tee children – without any staff except a waitress in the cafe. The cafe was fairly busy and all 4 were working as waiting staff. I observed them for some time and I was very impressed by their hard work kind interactions. I started contemplating if I should stay in this hotel for a few nights. I had already checked out from the previous one. And, all my belongings- one laptop, two devices, 1 extra pair of jeans and 1 shirt were in my packpack. And, then came the reason which made me immediately decide to continue in the hotel – their 6 months old smiling son. He was impossible to resist. Since I didn’t know how many days I would stay, I said I would pay on daily basis every morning , and I would stay here a few days. And, daily advance payments into weeks of dues.
Those few days would eventually turn into months And, daily advance payments into weeks of dues.
The owner was kind enough to move me from my windowless room to larger room with a balcony soon.
Stay in this hotel gave me a sense of stability and I continued
2026
Entered 2026 with some hope as it seemed that my supply line from my estate would be restored, at least partially. It indeed did and I was relieved and I immediately turned my focus to my non profit initiatives, which I was not able to for the last few months.
Since 2023 my main focus was on my two non profits – 4IR 4ALL and BipolarPowered. Combined, they feed my ideological soul and fulfil my ethical purpose
My passionate attachment with these two initiatives made them survive all the ups and downs in my life caused by my bipolar and financial struggles. I was back at my desk , reviewing the current conditions of these two initiatives.
Life seemed to be going back to normalcy – mild hypomania and working on these initiatives for long hours -sometimes 30 hours in one stretch. Again I set aside everything, forgot the financial hardships and started tunnel focusing on these passions. – It’s at these moments that a bipolar needs a loving carer, someone your own – to make the bipolars understand priorities. Reviewing and restructuring my finances should have been my first priority after this financial relief
Anyway, partial restoration of estate income was very short lived . Within a month troubles started again I found myself without any source of income. This time it was a complete shutting down of the supply line including getting my bank accounts frozen. I’m not recording the specifics of the problems as they aren’t important for me. Its effect was the main concern.
By now financial struggle had taken over my mental health struggles . Life revolved around how to pay the next bills.
IMPORTANT: But the biggest surprise was that my brain had accepted this as normal life and I was not even thinking of doing any effort to change that. A normal person with right mind would start working on finding out new channels to create financial income. But, I, instead continued working on my non profit initiatives – until the water went above the head.
By end of March I already had several weeks of unpaid rents. The owner was no more kind. He shouldn’t be. I started getting all types of threat – from police arrest to seizing my laptop & devices and then eviction. Perhaps the possibility of becoming laptopless jolted me. I started looking at options, first for immediate relief and then for a new source of income. Having already cut ties with even my extended family, older friends; the entire past society- I had very few options left. As for my professional friends, no one knows my condition. ( As such no one knows my true condition. I’ve been living a solitary life in a foreign country ; and the only way anyone could become aware of my situation is only if told them. So far I had chosen not to)
There were 3-4 uni friends who I could have approached with some hope. I contacted one of them and he indeed helped me – but it was just financial help . No concern. No interest. just charity.
The actual wake up call came when I contacted the other 2 uni friends. Instead of replying, they blocked me! And, soon I was blocked by the one who had helped earlier
Reality started hitting me. I evaluated my condition. I’ll be evicted from my hotel room in a few days. They may even impound my laptop & devices as a collateral. I haven’t had any meal or coffee or whatsoever in the last 3-4 days. My regular income source has been shut. My friends have blocked me. I’ve been completely ostracised by my old world. And, I’m not close enough to my world to ask for help. My new world doesn’t know anything about my true condition.
Surviving as a homeless and penniless 60 year old man, in a foreign country , with a painful scrotum hernia requires one to have nerves made of steel. Or, having a completely oblivious state of mind. I have both
What shall I do? Shall I use my resilience and ability to be oblivious to survive? No. Absolutely not. No more I will not use my abilities to survive. I’ll use them to fulfil my purpose, my drive, my goals.
I’ll come out of my shell and shout my condition out
Yesterday was my first day of coming out of my shell. I was unable to find a location where I had to go. So, I entered a coffee house to find someone who spoke English and who could guide me. I found a young handsome man, perhaps from South Africa or Australia sitting inside with his partner. I asked him for the location and he pointed out that I was far away from the location. And then, he came out of the cafe to guide me with the help of his mobile location service. And, what, he guided me up till my destination which was about 1 km away. I was impressed by his kindness. I’ve been hungry for many days. While returning I thought why I shouldn’t tell this young man my condition and ask him to buy me some food. I don’t know whether it was the intensity of my hunger, my resolve to come out of my shell, or the kindness of this young man – I didn’t find much difficulty in accepting this thought. Went back to the cafe and he was still there. I approached him and asked if I could talk to him in privacy for a minute. We sat outside the cafe, I explained my situation and asked him if he could buy me some food. Somehow, the young man’s reaction was not as I had expected. I thought he would be shocked and would act immediately . But, instead he was very calm as if he wasn’t believing me. Anyway, finally he took me to a nearby convenience store and asked me to take whatever I wanted. After paying he immediately parted , as if he didn’t want any further interaction. It was the first time in my 6 decades long life that I approached a stranger for any help or asked anyone to buy me food. I had come out of my shell .
